You likely heard this term before, but what does fake dom mean? What makes a dom real? In BDSM a Dom's position over you can be a fun expirence, in contrast it can be abusive nightmare. This overview will explain what makes quality doms and what makes fake (abusive) doms. This education will empower to protect yourself, and people you care about from toxic dynamics.

Fake Doms

The idea stems from Doms who fail to adhere to core principles in BDSM. BDSM (is) meant to be a fun and safe experience in any relationship, though some “Doms” disregard core principles in BDSM resulting in toxic/dangerous experiences for some. It is made complicated that Dom’s (stereo-typically) represent a trustworthy/knowledgeable person while a sub is more reliant on the Dom’s experience in the dynamic. This leaves subs in a dangerous position if they are uninformed of warning signs. Fake Doms will often exploit that trust/control under the guise of being “Your Dom” and in many cases disregarding cardinal rules like consent, respect, trust and maintaining healthy relationship. Fake Doms will use this exploit to ask for nudes, push you into uncomfortable dynamics/kinks you expressed concern with or control your through real fear. Healthy BDSM relationship (for majority) has clear separation between the relationship and the dynamic, when Dom’s punish you it should be in the scene, not in daily life. While healthy flirting/little dynamic in daily life is fine, Fake Doms will go further and blur the line of dynamic/relationship, shifting BDSM ideas into relationship to deepen their control over you through all aspects of your life, this is not a Dom, but an abusive relationship under the guise of a “Dom” hence, Fake Doms.

Fake Doms (May)

  • Make you stop talking to all friends, especially those of genders you have an sexual orientation towards.
  • Ask for access to your social media, phone or otherwise private information or request to know who you talk to, how long or similar. Generally being tpp invasive in your private life with friends.
  • Point blame at you (or others), never taking accountability themselves.
  • Fail to listen to your feelings, concerns or boundaries. Pushing ones that benefit them selflessly at cost of your safety/happiness.
  • Careless for your needs, putting their displeasure or problems above your own and tossing your to the side.
  • Turns casual conversation into pressuring for sex and lewds, failing to build a quality relationship on merits of compatibility/interest (beyond sex).
  • They are pathological liars who twist trust to their advantage, taking positions (you) misunderstood or (you) are crazy and if you catch them, "it won't happen again". Then it does happen again....
  • Often having too good to be true or otherwise grandiose stories about themselves to charm your opinion. Stories that build them to be experts of sorts of otherwise the “be all, end all” of x thing(s) where only they are capable of being right and are critical of others because of said “their expertise”. This behavior is common way to force your reliance on them for information that they can twist to their benefit to further manipulate you.

Genuine Doms

  • Should emphasize the need of good communication in the relationship, allowing you to speak your mind and bring up concerns whenever possible.
  • Accept your limits and boundaries, never preforming an act you previously express concerns/did not consent to. Boundaries must always be followed. If boundaries are a problem to a dynamic (as the relationship grows) they should have healthy conversation of what you want they want out of the dynamic. NOT constant asking to wear you down mentally to just give in.
  • Look out for your well being, safety and mental health without exception, even at cost of their satisfaction/enjoyment.
  • They value your friendship and personality, rather than consider you a sexual object. There should be a healthy connection beyond the D/S dynamic.

Conclusion

Reality is Fake Doms exist in greater numbers than ever before as BDSM has become more mainstream. It is more important than ever as younger, less experienced BDSM members join the community for the community to protect the vulnerable through education. Being able to tell the difference between a caring, respectful and honest Doms and serial abuser is hard, often people deny they are in abusive relationship despite clear evidence otherwise. Submissives put their trust into Doms to treat them right, and it is all too easy for Fake Doms to take advantage of that to further their selfish goals under guise of being a "Dom" . BDSM to newcomers can be murky to understand when hitting, control, degradation and are common concepts in kink dynamics, these very same concepts are are hallmarks of truly abusive relationships too. What is difference? Genuine Dom will should always allow you to speak your mind and accept lines you do not wish to be crossed. Putting your safety/mental health first. Using information/education we can fight these individuals as a community (not just hushed, but in the broader community too). You should never be fearful of your Dom. If you ever notice these behaviors in your relationships take steps to move on. Often victims are blind to these signs and a need healthy support network of friends to steer them clear of such abusive relationships and educate them, though the process to escape abusive relationship can be long and tedious for some. At end of day they must make choices themselves, as must you if you are in abusive relationship. First step on path of recovery is admitting something is wrong, becoming self-aware is half the battle.

Further Reading (Suggested)

https:// hushedhaven.com/about-bdsm/

https:// hushedhaven.com/how-to-tell-if-someone-is-a-catfish-discord/

https:// hushedhaven.com/he-is-threatening-to-share-my-nudes/